All the Different Christians I Have Been

I was around 5 years old when my family moved from that Filipino SBC church to the fundamentalist church (just as an aside, I do believe that Evangelicalism at large is, by definition, fundamentalist; however, I’ll use the term “fundamentalist” or “fundamentalism” to describe a particular subset of the Evangelical world, one that embraces the fundamentalist title and is marked by its adherence to what they refer to as the “doctrine of Biblical separation”). I don’t have very many memories of that church before we moved, though I would visit numerous times throughout my childhood and adolescence, which is where most of my memories of Bible Church International come from.

I recall feeling more comfortable surrounded by White kids than by kids who looked like me, so those visits to BCI always felt a bit awkward. I’m not sure where that feeling came from, but I think I have an idea. When I was in kindergarten my mom sent me to a Christian school that was operated by the now-closed Emmanuel Presbyterian Church in Whippany, NJ. There were a lot of White kids there, and probably only one other Asian kid, whom I remember distinctly because he would bully me by repeatedly stealing the beanie off my head and running around the school parking lot forcing me to chase him. But I was in kindergarten, and he was in 4th grade.

At Emmanuel we had a recurring Bible storytime (weekly, I think?) that brought the preschool and kindergarten classes into one room. One of the “fun” things about Bible storytime was that there was a “prize seat” that the teachers would secretly choose, and at the end of storytime, they would announce who was sitting in the prize seat, and that student would receive something (usually a little green army man or other cheap plastic vending machine toy) and recognition in front of all the classes at storytime to show how “blessed” they were that the teachers chose that child’s seat.

Since Emmanuel was run by a Presbyterian church, I wouldn’t be surprised if the idea of predestination were one of the motivating concepts behind this practice.

One day at Bible storytime, I stuck my hand in my pocket and found something to fidget with. A fraying piece of lint came out and captured my attention. I pulled one piece off and stared at it, fascinated by the frayed edges of the string. I threw it in the air and watched how it floated back to the floor like a feather. I pulled another piece out of my pocket, enjoying the gentle ripping sensation that my fingers felt as I tugged on the string. I threw that new piece into the air and watched it float to the floor. I did this over and over again throughout Bible storytime, completely oblivious to what was going on around me.

At the end of storytime, the teacher announced where the secret “prize seat” was, and I was elated to discover that I was sitting in the seat! That prize would be mine, and I would get to stand up in front of the class and receive something fun from the teacher!

The teacher then announced that even though I was sitting in the prize seat, someone else would be receiving the prize because I was misbehaving throughout the Bible story. “Let this be a lesson to you all,” the teacher said. “If you want to receive a prize, you must behave properly.” The teacher singled me out and told the class, “Do you want to know why Nathaniel will not be getting the prize today? Because he did not listen well. Remember how Jesus honored Mary for listening to him well? Today, we will honor Rachel because she was listening well during Bible storytime.” (This about-face undermined the message about predestination they were probably trying to convey, but that message was lost on the room of 5- and 6-year-old kids anyway, and behavior control was much higher on their priority list.)

I remember the immense shame and guilt I felt that day at just 5 years of age. I was embarrassed to have been called out like that. I sat perfectly quietly and did my absolute best to listen attentively during every Bible story for the rest of my time attending Emmanuel (which wasn’t much longer thanks to a scandal that prompted my mom—and other conservative Christian moms—to withdraw from the school, but I’ll save that story for my next post), but as far as I can recall, I never sat in that prize seat again.

Shame is an incredibly powerful motivator and is used regularly in Christian circles. It’s not uncommon to observe these kinds of methods being used by teachers, leaders, and pastors in these communities.

Even before I was exposed to the idea of eternal torment in hell, I was taught to feel guilty and ashamed. Before I ever set foot inside a fundamentalist church, the idea of personal responsibility for my sinful actions was instilled in me.

This is not what 5-year-old children should be learning about themselves.